songs of light

and the word is . . .

I decided not to make any new years resolutions this year. I really think those sorts of goals tend to be about achieving 'things'. Those sorts of goals have their place, of course, but I wanted to think more about ways of being. I thought maybe I would pick one word. Just one, and embrace it as much as I could. I figured I would be able to remember one word on a daily basis, thus giving me a much better chance of actually being mindful about how I live. That word was love. Love for friends and family is usually pretty easy but this year I want to extend past that. I'm interested in giving love to people you don't know; the checkout girl at the supermarket, your bus driver, the librarian who checks out your books, the small child who grins at you on the street, the dog tied up outside the shop, the lady at the post office, the lonely old man sitting by himself, the baby bird standing in a busy car park. How many times a day do we have the opportunity to give love? Hundreds. And the great thing about love is that it lends itself so easily to kindness and compassion. If we can learn to give these things away, surely we can learn to give them to ourselves too. That would be the real miracle.

 

open

This is how I want to be . . . running with my arms out to embrace the world.

That is my niece and nephew running down to the sea. I looked after them and their brother the other day. On the way home from the park we always take a detour to see if our favourite deep puddle is full of water. It was. We all took our shoes off, rolled up our pants and jumped in. There is something so satisfying about jumping in a puddle, warm from the sun, in the middle of the afternoon when you know most other adults on the planet are at work. We smiled at everyone who passed. There were a few dogs out for a walk who wanted to join us. Caleb asked me if he could sit down in the water and I said, "If you belonged to me you could, but I'm not sure if your Mum will mind or not." "Oh bother," he said, I forgot to check." When we got home we asked and the answer was, "Yes, if you have your old clothes on." So now we know for next time! 

We collected a few treasures along the way. Livi found this wonderful mossy twig for me. Caleb's hands were full of spiky chestnuts and rocks, Livi had two handfulls of snail shells and Asher carried the soccer ball. We met butterflies and bumble bees, found a perfect dried grass hut and checked the stream for signs of life. It was one of those afternoons of perfect happiness, as I grinned to myself, because these were all the things I thought about doing with them before they were born. We almost lost them several times before they were born at 30 weeks. So tiny, but perfect. And here they are, all of them so much themselves. Which brings me to . . .

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” 
― Thich Nhat Hanh

I love you Caleb, Olivia and Asher x x

did you ever in all your life . . .

The other morning I was eating breakfast when I saw something small wander out of the paddock and onto the lawn. I knew straight away what it would be. This tiny little baby hedgehog is too small to know he shouldn't be out in the day time, or talking to excitable girls either for that matter! I crouched down beside him and had a wee chat. He stopped and listened to me politely. I admired his tiny feet and gave him a little talk about road safety, like you do.

I called Dean over to meet him, and then we stood back and let him wander off. He headed back towards the paddock, stopping by a fence post and lying down for a snooze. Dean decided if we left him there he would get eaten by a hawk so he went and got a gardening glove to pick him up with.

When Dean picked him up, he curled up in a ball with his hands and toes under his chin. He could not have been any sweeter and I told him so. Of course. Did you ever in all your life see anything cuter than that?

We found him a lovely grassy hollow under some trees, and said our goodbyes. I look out for him all the time but have not seen him again. Sigh. I hope he is safe and happy.

(P.S Sorry I'm such a bad blogger. We have had no internet connection for a week, so therefore no blogging, or visiting lovely bloggers.)

 

wild

Let yourself be led down the over grown path, towards the sea,

pausing as you round the bend, and it all comes rushing towards you . . .

the sound, the colours, the seaweed dancing in the waves.

Down by the shore, have a little talk with the black backed gull. He knows more about wildness and freedom than we ever will.

When you get to the wild flowers . . . let yourself go.

On your way home, see how full and heavy the wild plum trees are.

There is enough for you and all the little birds . . .

so fill your pockets.

There will be time enough in the morning to sit in your best friends house, laughing and eating wild plum jam.

Love you Bec x x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the angel and I

In the Arrowtown cemetery there is a mysterious angel.

 Driving into town this last December, I felt the pull of her while still streets away.

I wait until the sun starts to fall, and the hills become golden, glowing beings. It is time.

I move through the heavy warm air towards her, smiling, and whisper hello. Inside me a familiar feeling starts to grow. Excitement and fear turning themselves over and over around my heart, like a stone tumbled and smoothed by the ocean. Will I be able to do it this time? Will she elude me again?

Over the last fifteen years, we have met three times. Standing in front of her I seem to feel my younger selves arrive. I imagine them standing with me, trying to find the right angle, wondering if we'll ever learn to really capture the light. And more than any other time in my life I want to time travel, to grab my 20 year old self and sit her down right here on the grass, and say, "What I have to say to you would fill a book. There is so much more light in you then darkness, you just don't know it yet."

So there I am, somehow past and present, and full of wonder. Above me the hills seem to be watching and smiling not unkindly, while they say, "I see you, tiny human with your light box, and I appreciate what you are trying to do. But here's the thing, your camera was made by man. There is no hope for you trying to record our essence. We are made of light. We are eternal." I wish it wasn't so, but I know it is the truth. I put my camera down and climb a small hill where I sit and try to take it all in. We will meet again. Maybe next time I'll be ready.

 

 

 

mirror lake

Of all the glorious things we saw on our road trip, Mirror Lake was my favourite. It was exactly like stumbling into heaven. Completely breathtaking and unearthly. A little wooden walk way winds through the trees and holds you up over the lake. Straight down is the most beautiful crystal clear, blue green water, and then you look out into a sea of lupins and flax. While standing there a tui flew over and started to feed on the flax flowers just below me and a baby duck dived under the water over and over. You can see the circular ripple on the water the duckling made as he dived (last two photos). Truly, a place too deep for words.

 

 

milford

Driving through ancient mossy beech forests and a thousand year old trees, we arrive finally at Milford Sound. A place full of low hanging cloud, dusky dolphins and baby seals. Perfection.

Happy new year x x

 

south

If you ever find yourself in this beautiful country of mine, do yourself a favour and head south. 

Deep south, where the rivers and lakes run turquoise. 

South, where you will learn that holy places do exist,

that there are still, wild areas full of reverence, on this blue planet of ours. There is something palpably eternal down there. I didn't want to come home.

 

 

 

 

summer time

 

You know what I love about this time of year? 

Everything!

 

p.s I missed you x x

 

 

360

360 . . . to come full circle. I decided last week that this would be my last post, that it was time to return myself to myself. I noticed that this would be my 360th post and it seemed symbolically perfect somehow. It's time.

I thought about how nice it would be to not have to think of things to write or photograph. I thought about wandering about in the spring world without my camera. I thought how glorious it would be to love something just for itself and not for it's possible blogging qualities. It reminded me how once I went whale watching in Kaikoura, and spent the whole time waiting for the whale to emerge while clutching my camera, just in case I missed the magical moment when his tale was in the air with those breathtaking mountains behind it. I remembered how the guide on the boat looked at us, all with our cameras in front of our faces, and said, "Why don't you put your camera down and actually be present for this moment." And that's what I want to do. Be present in my life in a deeper way. To have a few thoughts about life that are just for me.

And then . . . once this decision was made, I noticed something odd. Evcerywhere I went I looked for photo opportunites, even though I was not going to post them on this blog. Everywhere I went, noticing the lambs and the trees and the new spring growth and the lilac's and the blossom trees and the . . . so it seems that I am a photographer. It seems that I will keep taking pictures and exhausting myself with taking it all in no matter what. It has become who I am. And so I may as well share it here.

Having said all this . . . that I am leaving and then in fact not leaving . . . I do need a break for a while. Some time to think it all over. Some time to hopefully miss it and want to come back. There is some painting that I need to do, and I need to do it alone. I know you understand. This being part of the world, and also needing to do some solitary things that are important to me, is a tricky balance. I do hope I will find a way to do it more gracefully. I'll miss you.

Love Kerri x x